things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We need a shit load of segways right now
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
