I think my fart just growled at me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
