i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
