god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize