I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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