so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Dicks are not precious.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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