i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
