Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
