she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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