i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
