Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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