I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i think my cat just said my name.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
