This is not my ceiling
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
