OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
