nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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