I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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