I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
