I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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