Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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