i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
