i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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