I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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