i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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