Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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