yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
