Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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