i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There are leaves in my underwear?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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