I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
