Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
