hotel room ftw
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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