"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
