why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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