every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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