Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize