Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
