Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
