hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
