Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
