Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
