How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize