anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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