I just saw a hot homeless man
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
