get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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