I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
