I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
