I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
