She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
