i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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