Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
