Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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