I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
