Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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