I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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