i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
