my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
