I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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