You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
