Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
