god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
