I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
