when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
wakey wakey hands off snakey
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
