i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
try to milk me bitch
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