I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize